Strange Politics: Oh Trump, you say the strangest things
SOMETIMES, to stop the ball of anger that forms in my stomach over President Donald Trump's statements, I think about him as an old granny.
What do you mean, Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen can't come around anymore, Granny Trump? I mean, I guess you said all those things about them at that heinously long picnic, but I didn't think you MEANT it.
Of course Pappa Washington isn't too happy about it, Granny. Hey now, Cousin Virginia is more than capable of making up her own mind. Granny Trump! You most certainly do not have to keep treating her or any other woman like **it.
Iran, "#1 in terror", isn't really a valid argument about this ban, Granny Trump. And honestly, who gave you the phone again? I mean, I'm impressed you can use Twitter, but I thought after the last few incidents we had decided it was best for you to give your devices to nurse Spicer.
But, to be completely honest, I'm starting to wonder about him a little bit, too. He keeps getting names wrong. Trumbull, he keeps saying. Must have had you on his mind. But back to those tweets. Granny, are you sure you are feeling well, lately? We must really talk about a couple of them.
"I have instructed Homeland Security to check people coming into our country VERY CAREFULLY. The courts are making the job very difficult!"
"The judge opens up our country to potential terrorists and others that do not have our best interests at heart. Bad people are very happy!"
Well, I guess bad people are as happy, sad and angry as other people. And what makes them bad? We need specifics, here, Granny. And remember, some folk from Iraq and other places are escaping those awful arguments that keep going on in other retirement villages. Some of them are no longer safe in their own rooms.
Your retirement village is so peaceful, by comparison. Don't forget, some of those Iraqis helped your lot out when you crashed their seniors' party, uninvited, all those years ago.
Alright, calm down. Let's talk about something else. Now, wasn't Melania fetching in blue at that party the other day? I mean, for off-the-rack, the outfit fitted her down to the ground. Yes, yes, Granny Trump. I believe you could have pulled off exactly the same "on-som" in the 60s. Of course, blue is your colour.
What was that, Granny Trump? What did you say about a pussy? You want to grab it? Is your cat missing? I'm not surprised after the way you have been treating it lately.
Now, Granny Trump, why don't you finish that cup of tea and lie down. No?
How about a haircut then? You've had that style for a while. Why don't we try a perm?
Strange Politics is a satirical column. Get in contact via email@example.com.